PTSD Black Sheep

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    Some traumas haunt us for the rest of our lives. Though I was a happy child I would have random out bursts crying uncontrollably and rocking myself like I did in the orphanage. I call these episodes. I wanted to hurt someone, but didn’t know who. Sometimes I wanted to hurt myself because I would be mad that I  had survived and the others didn’t. I would have good days and bad. Thoughts of suicide danced in the back of my head. After theses episodes I would feel numb.

    I don’t know if I have real flash backs from my past but my nightmares do feel real of course. Here’s the part that scares me the most. These nightmares could be real flashbacks. This “depression” would only come in waves. I’ve learned that I would only episode after watching movies with traumatic events or when people would ask me about my past. Till this day I only talk about it with my mom. Birthdays were always hard, school was never easy for me, and I held every one at arms length. I was the “troubled” child  who was taken out of the room for extra help because nothing would sink in. Any fast movements scare me. I don’t flinch as much as I used to, but I still get scared.

     This is the thorn in my side.

Some traumas haunt us for the rest of our lives.

    People don’t just “get over” trauma because some traumas aren’t simply scars, they’re gashes.

    God is my victory.

   He is my breath, my day, my night, my reason and  my purpose. I may have haunting and hurts but why should I let it win? Christian Crutches like I’ve said in my writing The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine “Mean people are the result of sin and so badly the Devil wants to rob us from the truth of knowing God, who He is and how much He loves us.

 

 



25 thoughts on “PTSD Black Sheep

  1. Thank You so much Miheala for sharing this two years ago I was diagnoised with PTSD as well. Its hard and like you said nightmares came that were likely real depression that seems to come from no where after being triggered by something. Ah and that numb feeling its so hard to explain you just can’t think or really move you just kind of sit there.

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  2. You’ve lived things I can’t imagine, but I also want to encourage you – things I thought I could never heal from are healing, but it is intense work of letting God change my perspective.

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  3. It sounds like you have an amazing story. I love it when Christ-followers are honest about their struggles and hurts. It’s not easy, but it’s something I’m slowly learning to do as well.

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  4. Thankful for your unique perspective. I’ve dealt with PTSD from repeated sexual abuse as a child until I left home at age18 immediately after graduating from high school. Even though its been a struggle, I’m able to minister to other women from this perspective. All because of my relationship with Jesus that He brought people into my life who were able to help me along the healing journey. Keep doing what God has called you to do and be!

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  5. I once did a study on how trauma actually changes the way your brain functions and people seem to think that once an event is over then it is easy to “move on”. Glad to hear you found some peace with God. Thank-you for sharing your story. Chloe

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  6. What an open piece. The more I read stories like this the more I smile because when someone opens up others get the courage to do the same. I hope someone else sees this and knows they are not alone and they can talk to someone.

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  7. I was traumatized and for a year I could not think straight. I would have flashes of the past and have outbursts of rage as well as wanting to harm others and myself. Like you, God helped me through it all. He helped me let it go and surrender what is too much for me to handle and let him take care of it. Wishing you more blissful days, love. God bless.

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  8. I love the saying
    ” People don’t just “get over” trauma because some traumas aren’t simply scars, they’re gashes.

    God is my victory.”

    It really touches home with me. I have a lot going on in my life. Single mother of three. My son was just born and his father cant be around and its really hard for me to cope with right now.

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  9. Beautiful post. Everyones experiences in life and process of dealing with them can so different. What works for one might not work for the next person. Kindness and compassion for others always is helpful no matter what they are going through.

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  10. PTSD is something not many people are willing to admit thet have or to seek help. Many people think its nothing to have PTSD which is not the case. I commend you on being open about it and understanding from an early age.

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  11. I can only imagine what that’s is like. I am glad you have a mom who is by your side though. You’re right, we don’t get over trauma that fast, most of the time it stays with you until you grow old, you just learn to work with it.

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