Some traumas haunt us for the rest of our lives. Though I was a happy child I would have random out bursts crying uncontrollably and rocking myself like I did in the orphanage. I call these episodes. I wanted to hurt someone, but didn’t know who. Sometimes I wanted to hurt myself because I would be mad that I had survived and the others didn’t. I would have good days and bad. Thoughts of suicide danced in the back of my head. After theses episodes I would feel numb.
I don’t know if I have real flash backs from my past but my nightmares do feel real of course. Here’s the part that scares me the most. These nightmares could be real flashbacks. This “depression” would only come in waves. I’ve learned that I would only episode after watching movies with traumatic events or when people would ask me about my past. Till this day I only talk about it with my mom. Birthdays were always hard, school was never easy for me, and I held every one at arms length. I was the “troubled” child who was taken out of the room for extra help because nothing would sink in. Any fast movements scare me. I don’t flinch as much as I used to, but I still get scared.
This is the thorn in my side.
Some traumas haunt us for the rest of our lives.
People don’t just “get over” trauma because some traumas aren’t simply scars, they’re gashes.
God is my victory.
He is my breath, my day, my night, my reason and my purpose. I may have haunting and hurts but why should I let it win? Christian Crutches like I’ve said in my writing The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine “Mean people are the result of sin and so badly the Devil wants to rob us from the truth of knowing God, who He is and how much He loves us.