“Are you sober?”
“Yeah that’s the problem! I’m sober and I’m acting like this.”
Pause
Blood boiling of the other person on the line as I listen.
“I know…I know what it’s like to be mad enough to want to kill someone”
Heart beating in your ears. White clenched fists. Words of regret soar. Possible blood and tears shed. All control lost.
How do we let ourselves get mad to the point where the world once made sense then nothing does? What is it in us that drives this rage? Mine was buried in my heart without even knowing it. Truth was I didn’t want to deal with it and did not know it was something I would have to deal with when I was older. I was just a little girl who didn’t know how, so I buried it in my heart hoping it would never come back.
The it I’m referring to is the darkness and hurt from my orphanage. The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine
At sixteen I called a counselor I knew from my home church at the time and scheduled an appointment. During these sessions I learned I was mad at my birth mom for giving me up, but even more mad at what happened in the orphanage. Even a child knows they should have a mommy and a daddy, that it is not right to hit, and that when they cry someone called mom or dad should come. I learned I had to grieve in my time, and forgive all of them. I thank God for being bigger than all of this. I thank God for forgiving me so I could forgive them. Readers hear what I’m saying? We can forgive because He forgave us. We can press on, because God has given us this hope by dying on the cross for us.
I once was enraged without even knowing it and wanted to hurt some one but didn’t know who. Here I am today still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore. I stand forgiven and forgiving because of Christ.
Hylaandpeterechols.com 
This is so beautiful and powerful. Thank you for sharing your story that others might find the freedom that comes with forgiving.
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Wow! What a testimony. Thanks for sharing!!
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“…still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore.” Beautiful wording for what forgiveness does. 🙂
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Beautifully said! For a long time I told myself that I was forgiven, but only a couple of weeks ago I asked myself “Did I forgive?” Forgiving others is just as important as being forgiven. Thank you for being so vulnerable!
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OH my friend… what a powerful testimony to God’s love and grace cleansing and transforming your precious heart. Every time I read of your past pain, my heart cracks open in sadness.
THIS—> “I once was enraged without even knowing it and wanted to hurt some one but didn’t know who. Here I am today still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore. I stand forgiven and forgiving because of Christ.”
You are a LIGHTHOUSE for those needing His Light, in a very dark world. Keep shining, dear sister.
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Thank you for your encouraging words 😊.
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A great and powerful poem. Thank you for sharing!
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I’m glad you found something that helped you!
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Wow very powerful stuff. We all go through tribulations in life…Overcoming them and moving forward only makes us stronger. Nice testimony.
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I’ve worked within child safety and I see the burning rage within so many teenagers. I only hope one day they can find some sort of solace as you have.
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Very powerful story and I am glad you have found inner peace! Thank you for sharing.
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#Madrespect to you for sharing your life journey! it’s motivation & insightful.
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This is a lovely testimony! Freedom and forgiveness comes hand in hand.
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This is a great testimony. Forgiveness is hard, even in Christ. We have to accept and believe His forgiveness. And we have to choose to forgive others. I commend you for making that decision and doing the hard work it takes to do it. He told us to do it; he never said it would be easy. God bless you for your obedience to Him.
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There will be times like this and lessons will be learned from each experience. We’re only human after all and we can get carried away by our emotions.
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I understand you completely, it’s not always easy to contain our feelings especially if it’s something you’ve been feeling for a long time. I think it’s us just being human.
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Wow, very powerful. I’m so glad you’re at peace now!
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I’m glad you were able to forgive and heal from your pain.
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Wow, what a powerful story. I am so glad you are able to share it here today.
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Wow! My heart. This is an incredible testimony!
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thank you!
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A timely post for me to come across. I have PTSD as a result of childhood abuse, which often leaves me struggling with overwhelming anxiety – which often leaves me irritated, or even outright enraged. I never really thought about it in the sense of having leftover fury for what I was put through as a child, but this sort of made that click for me. Now I’m wishing my next therapy appointment was sooner – I’m looking forward to discussing this with my therapist.
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This is so powerful, even the way you structured your sentences has so much emotion behind it. I’ve seen first hand the effects of childhood abuse and I am glad you have been able to find some understanding and peace
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Thank you so much for sharing and the inspiration. My mom lived through child abuse and I think it will always affect her to some degree. I need to send your post link to her.
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This is really powerful and the way you’ve written this really touches the soul. I had to stop everything for a while after I read it. I am moved.
Katja xxx
http://www.katnapped.com
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Thank you for sharing your intensely personal story. I can only imagine what it must have felt like being given up and the anger that might have caused. I’m glad you have a good perspective now.
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What an inspiring, beautiful and powerful story to share ! I absolutely love how you said you are not anchored by the hurt anymore that’s powerful! Ty for inspiring me today
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Your experience sounds so painful. I’m glad you found your way out of a dark place.
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No child should have to feel this, but having gone through it, I am so glad you have found a spiritual place to stand in and heal. Bless you for sharing your story!
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you are brave by just sharing this. Glad you are in a better place now!
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This is a powerful testimony thank you for opening up your heart.
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[…] I was even louder. My voice would amplify and I would be full aware of it. Especially when I was angry. I would fight for attention in my home, school, church, EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t get enough of […]
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