Enraged

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“Are you sober?”

“Yeah that’s the problem! I’m sober and I’m acting like this.”

Pause

Blood boiling of the other person on the line as I listen.

“I know…I know what it’s like to be mad enough to want to kill someone”

Heart beating in your ears.                                                                                                                         White clenched fists.                                                                                                                                  Words of regret soar.                                                                                                                             Possible blood and tears shed.                                                                                                                       All control lost.

    How do we let ourselves get mad to the point where the world once made sense then nothing does? What is it in us that drives this rage? Mine was buried in my heart without even knowing it. Truth was I didn’t want to deal with it and did not know it was something I would have to deal with when I was older. I was just a little girl who didn’t know how, so I buried it in my heart hoping it would never come back.

    The it I’m referring to is the darkness and hurt from my orphanage. The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine

    At sixteen I called a counselor I knew from my home church at the time and scheduled an appointment. During these sessions I learned I was mad at my birth mom for giving me up, but even more mad at what happened in the orphanage. Even a child knows they should have a mommy and a daddy, that it is not right to hit, and that when they cry someone called mom or dad should come. I learned I had to grieve in my time, and forgive all of them. I thank God for being bigger than all of this. I thank God for forgiving me so I could forgive them. Readers hear what I’m saying? We can forgive because He forgave us. We can press on, because God has given us this hope by dying on the cross for us.

    I  once was enraged without even knowing it and wanted to hurt some one but didn’t know who. Here I am today still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore. I stand forgiven and forgiving because of Christ. 


18 thoughts on “Enraged

  1. Beautifully said! For a long time I told myself that I was forgiven, but only a couple of weeks ago I asked myself “Did I forgive?” Forgiving others is just as important as being forgiven. Thank you for being so vulnerable!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OH my friend… what a powerful testimony to God’s love and grace cleansing and transforming your precious heart. Every time I read of your past pain, my heart cracks open in sadness.

    THIS—> “I once was enraged without even knowing it and wanted to hurt some one but didn’t know who. Here I am today still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore. I stand forgiven and forgiving because of Christ.”

    You are a LIGHTHOUSE for those needing His Light, in a very dark world. Keep shining, dear sister.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a great testimony. Forgiveness is hard, even in Christ. We have to accept and believe His forgiveness. And we have to choose to forgive others. I commend you for making that decision and doing the hard work it takes to do it. He told us to do it; he never said it would be easy. God bless you for your obedience to Him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There will be times like this and lessons will be learned from each experience. We’re only human after all and we can get carried away by our emotions.

    Like

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