Peter holds me.
I say a silent prayer crying out to God.
There are times not even Peter can comfort me. This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.
The first few months of our marriage was hard not because of the cliche things people told me: house being a mess, getting sick, constant fighting, or weight gain. Actually none of that happened. What happened was the unexpected. Old insecurities rose inside of me from when I was child. Even I couldn’t see my mood swings coming. Then I would fear the next time they would occur.
Why does my beloved have to suffer with me? I would feel a burden for him. I started believing lies the devil wants me to believe.
What if Peter never comes back?
Anxiety was my fight for weeks. When he’d leave for work in the morning I’d hold back tears. The fear kept growing. I would have one good day…
My heart would race, tears stream, head spin.
Why God does my beloved have to suffer with me?
The smell of death was all around me for three years. I carry a burden I shouldn’t hold. But I do.
Why did I live and they didn’t? For years I have ignored the question, because when it consumes me guilt becomes my thoughts. Year after year my birthday gets harder because the devil fuels my mind with the lie “you shouldn’t of made it this far.”
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.” the lyrics of Come as you are sung by: Crowder are sung in church. The insides of me cry out to God. He is the only one who understands my heart completely. Tears stream down my face. Not because I am sad. But Knowing Christ Himself knows my every thought, hears my hearts inner cries, wants all of me, and is my joy.
“ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
More on my childhood journey: https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/
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