He Understands My Heart

    I cry.

Peter holds me.

I say a silent prayer crying out to God. 

    There are times not even Peter can comfort me. This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.

  The first few months of our marriage was hard not because of the cliche things people told me: house being a mess, getting sick, constant fighting, or weight gain. Actually none of that happened. What happened was the unexpected. Old insecurities rose inside of me from when I was child. Even I couldn’t see my mood swings coming. Then I would fear the next time they would occur.

Why does my beloved have to suffer with me? I would feel a burden for him. I started believing lies the devil wants me to believe.

What if Peter never comes back?

Anxiety was my fight for weeks. When he’d leave for work in the morning I’d hold back tears. The fear kept growing. I would have one good day…

Then bam.

Overtaken.

Motivation lost. 

My heart would race, tears stream, head spin. 

Why God does my beloved have to suffer with me? 

The smell of death was all around me for three years.  I carry a burden I shouldn’t hold. But I do.

    Why did I live and they didn’t? For years I have ignored the question, because when it consumes me guilt becomes my thoughts.  Year after year my birthday gets harder because the devil fuels my mind with the lie “you shouldn’t of made it this far.”

    “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.” the lyrics of Come as you are sung by: Crowder are sung in church. The insides of me cry out to God. He is the only one who understands my heart completely. Tears stream down my face. Not because I am sad. But Knowing Christ Himself knows my every thought, hears my hearts inner cries, wants all of me, and is my joy.

Phillipians 4:4-7h

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

More on my childhood journeyhttps://hylaandpeterechols.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/

https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2014/10/19/the-hardest-story-to-tell-mine/

 

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Identity Crisis

Me and my dad. Year of my adoption.
Me and my dad. Year of my adoption.

    I opened an envelope written in Romanian.

Silvia reads the letter. “It’s from your birth family. Wait this guy claims to be your dad.”

    I stand silent. 

She asks if I want to see him on the CD. 

“Yes.”

    It wasn’t the I’m craving the empty void inside me kind of ‘yes’ some of us adopted children have when we yearn for our birth families even if we don’t know them. It was a sure why not? Kind of ‘yes’. 

    You see I once was bonded to my birth mom for nine months in her whom, but that was it. For so long I bound myself in curiosity letting thoughts stir of who the mystery birth-dad was. I even yearned to hear my birth mom’s voice, and feel her embrace. Some babies die and some hurt forever, because those nine months of sharing an identity  with a birth-mom is so important. That is why so many babies are traumatized when they are taken away from birth mothers. 

But when this guy marched back into my life twenty-one years later “Hi I’m your dad” in a letter all I could think was….

Are you though? You were never there when I needed you most. My dad was. In fact you might think you are my dad because I’m of your blood, but you’re not. I have a dad. But most importantly I have a heavenly father. 

Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

I do not hate this man for not doing what he should have done, be a dad. I just want to know why now…twenty-one years later…

Read on :

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/02/27/blood-doesnt-mean-everything/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/04/25/my-fantasy-birth-mom/

Life Verse

#charmeandmore
– -pic credit unknown

It hits home for me every time. 

John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”  

The context of this verse is Jesus promising us the Holy Spirit. Jesus is with us in spirit if we accept him as our savior.

I was once abandoned and rejected by the world but now am adored, fought for and accepted by Christ. I am overwhelmed by his love. 

I (Christ) will not (doesn’t even want to) leave you (give up, move to another) as orphans (stray, motherless, fatherless) I (Christ) will (must, always will) come to you.  Who? Yes, you- me- everyone.

Readers, I know this a a short writing but dont miss the meaning inside this verse.

Read.
Pray.
Reread.
Pray.
He’s not going anywhere! 

What Bible verse hits home for you?

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/the-hardest-story-to-tell-mine-2/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/07/03/i-am-overwhelmed/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/04/05/talk-about-adoption/

The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine

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the “food” was always mashed up. There were about four of us to a crib.

    The helpless crying baby would cry for the love she needed, but no one would come. She’d cry and hope, cry and hope, cry and hope until there were no more tears to shed.

Left alone.

Abandoned.

    But something inside her told her to keep hoping and keep crying, someone
will hear you. Years she cried and hoped for her life. The hope never died. When the special some ones finally came her crying then, turned into screaming. She wanted so badly to love them back, but how could she if she never knew what love was. Hatred toward people burned in the little girls heart. What happened in her first three years marked her heart in way only God could change. The love her parents showed her was so foreign and yet so addicting. As she grew older fear of losing them grew more each day. She was falling in love. Then they told her about who Love is, how He brought her to them, how he died for her sins and how He loves her. She believed and loves Him back. That day she accepted Christ to be the boss of her life.
The little girl is me.

    I’m alive and shouldn’t be at least that’s what the world says.
It would’ve made the most sense, that is why they call me a survivor.
My first three years of abandonment are only explained by a miracle. What
you just read was only a glimpse of what I went through. As I mentioned I hated people and was locked out from reality. I felt like the world was moving around me waiting to be touched and I was in glass. The only emotion I felt for years was fear. Fear of being hit again, left again, and unwanted. But when I asked Christ to be the boss of my life I became alive. I would “run” the best I could with my hurt little legs, sing, love, and be fearless because He is living me in. There were times I have forgotten my first love, Christ (The Scariest Road), but like in the orphanage He hears my cry and calls me His.

    Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

Babies were placed on bread trays stacked on racks.
Babies were placed on bread trays and stacked on racks.
Nicolae Ceausescu, the man who started the orphanages.
Nicolae Ceausescu, the man who started the orphanages.
we would rock ourselves for self soothing, and look at our hands because it was the only thing to look at.
we would rock ourselves for self soothing, and look at our hands because it was the only thing to look at.

    Some ask how  could I believe in God after what I went through. My answer is this. I believe there’s a hell. I’ve only tasted it in just three years. Mean people are the result of sin and so badly the Devil wants to rob me from the truth of knowing God and who He is and how He loves us. The Devil thrives off of abuse and will do anything to pull us away from God. Why? Because God is love, joy and enough. 

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2015/06/29/life-verse/

https://hylachamberlain.wordpress.com/2014/09/05/her-identity/