Shifted Not Lost



I’ve been intentionally looking for things that bring me joy outside of motherhood. 

There was a time where I felt like I was losing myself and the interest things I loved.

My  life was take care of the babies, then crawl into bed at night, every night. In that time I wondered how long I was gonna be in that season. Because it’s different for every mom.

Now that we are getting up only 2 to 4 times a night and not five times or more I’ve been able to have the energy to pour back into myself.

I’m slowly moving in an imperfect direction of gaining those things back. 

I’m intentionally looking for the open time I do have. The open time is smaller due to my new season but it is still there. When Peter gives the kids a bath and after I’m done with night cleanup and daily chores are caught up on. I have about 20- 45 minute window to take that time to pour into myself. If chores fill up that time I still have after the kids go to bed. That is an hour of time I have intentionally chosen to pour into myself in a way that doesn’t reflect my roles as wife and mom. I’m blogging again, picking up my Bible, and strumming my guitar. It’s all in spurts but they bring me joy. 

I’m still me, just mom me. 

Motherhood Is Wet

From the very beginning of the first tears of yearning for our child. 

To tears of joy when you first meet them.

When wiping their tears of sadness or hurt.

When wiping their noses from colds. 

When cleaning vomit from spit ups or sick days. 

When the potty training begins.

When their wounds need mending.

Their Puddle jumps of play. 

Summer cool off fun. 

The sweat from your day to day activities. 

The pouring of coffee or water refills. 

Absorbing all the spills with towels. 

The splash of water on the dishes.

The water from when we are cleaning our littles in playful bubble baths. 

Motherhood is wet. 

Not A Finished Plate


Our goal for food is to help our children have a healthy relationship enjoying the connection it can bring and not feel guilty or controlled by it. 

In our home we use words like “fun food”and “growing food”. Changing the language teaches them that food is not bad and they should not feel bad for eating.

The fun food is things like cookies, cupcakes, cake, and candy. These show up at holidays, events and at friends home. We follow the same principle with juice. We allow our children to have these things even if there is dye in them because we do not want them to be such a forbidden fruit that they will be craving it more, and feel the need to either hide, or feel guilty if they have anything that is a fun treat. 

Fun treats is not something anyone should feel guilty for having. 

Then there is growing food. Which what we cook and bake in our home.

Including them in as much as we can has been helpful too. Having them involved in grocery shopping and cooking lets them be apart of the whole experience. 

When we go grocery shopping I give them jobs. They put things in the cart, help look for food that’s on the list, help unload, sometimes scan, and they have been loving using the chip reader at check out. We then unload at home excited for all the food we bought both fun, and growing. 

When we cook or bake they love gathering what we need, pouring, mixing, and working all the buttons on the cooking appliances. They love trying out the final product. 

Another thing we encourage is them telling us when they are full. Some days it can be five bites of their food other days they finish the entire thing. I want them to learn at an early age to listen to their body. When we run into the situation when they take one bite of their meal and then ask for a fun food, we count five more bites. Or when they choose to not have dinner we tell them to come join us and they can chat with us and have bread but can’t have a fun snack before bed unless they do a try it bite of their dinner. In our home dinner is not just about meal it is about connection. 

With doing all this the boys love soups, hot dishes, pastas, and other favorite dishes. Our key is connection and involvement. Not a finished plate. 

Mommy’s Gift

In a few days I have the privilege to hear the wrapping paper tear and watch my little boys eager hands rip into their Christmas gifts. What a joy and blessing it is to be able to be a mother and have these memories stored in my heart. These memories are my gifts. Time ticks too fast when I look back each year. So I exhale as I wrap and say a prayer thanking God for this moment. 

Grief in Motherhood

I am facing a new reality. As I give my children the gift I wasn’t given I’m thankful and long for what they are given. But it’s not temporary. This grief will be forever. I thought it was because they are the ages of my orphanage years but as my son is exiting the age I was in there for, the emotions stay.

They have the freedom to cry, express any and every emotion, deny, be wild, have opinions, make mistakes, they have the freedom to repair with apologizing, any hours of the day and night for as long as they are ours. 

As I grip this new reality I hold it lose in denial. Then day to day grief is heavier the more I push it back instead of allowing myself to process. 

I play back the stage of my life of his age. 

Memories.
This is where my earliest memories lie. I’m adopted at this point experiencing my first Christmas and Easter. Saying my first words. 

 

In todays emotions of my child being disappointed in the color bowl I was filled with a sense of grief. I’m able to recognize my irritation as masking my grief now as my children grow up I’ve noticed I’m not mad at them I’m longing. 

Now that I’m accepting the grief for what it is this gives me freedom as well. 

Freedom to give it to God. Freedom to be thankful and grieve over and over and over with each stage motherhood brings me. 

Tender Warriors

For those who know our boys know they love sharks, trucks, tools, wrestling, digging, climbing, and play hard. But we also embrace them learning about their world. 


We are a non gender specific home.

Immediately I know I am getting some emotions and reactions to that specific quote. Because somewhere in society boys and girls are told wether it was appropriate to play with specific toys because of their gender.

My boys also have a doll, pretend food, and a doll house. They even cook and bake with me. We live in a world of babies and homes which they may learn to take care of down the road and these are not gender specific. 

When we take away doll houses dolls and pretend cooking stuff we take away life lessons boys need to learn.

There was some time where roles such as cleaning, cooking, and taking care of babies was taken away from men and put on women. When in reality it’s just part of being an adult.

We live in a world where dads do not know how to be dads because it was once the women’s roll to take care of the kids and the dads are simply physically there. They would go to work and their day would be done. This was taken from them. 

Thankfully society is in a shift where both parents cook, change diapers, work, play with the children, help them with school, and take them fun places. 

I’m gonna give you a few examples where we would get side glances. I have fun fairy wings and angel wings that my boys go around wearing sometimes.

Boy bugs have wings. Boy birds have wings. So when I put on wings they are not being girly they’re just playing. We are taking away the curiosity of children by labeling things too early.

Wings:

Child: “I want to fly like a bird, or bug.” 

Adult: “Those are pink, or sparkly they can’t wear those.”

Sparkly ring: 

Child: This is shiny and pretty. It looks fun.

Adult: You can’t wear a ring that his a flower cuz it’s girly.

Minnie Mouse show:

Child: Minnie show is fun.

Adult: that’s a girl show. 

This is adult content going into children. When in reality children aren’t complex. They are simply curious about their world.





Once My Sanctuary Now His Imagination

As I wipe down this house my mind takes a walk down memory lane from when I once constantly wiped it down as a child, to being a teenager longing to have a child someday play with it too. Today I got that privilege. Today I got to watch my son play with something that was once my sanctuary and now his imagination. And I am so thankful because it will never have to be his sanctuary. After everything was wiped and set up he asked where the people were. Because of my early childhood wounds people weren’t in there. They were forbidden in my world. So I took out our little Lego Duplo people for him. My heart was beaming watching my child set the people around the table because my child does not have to carry the wounds I once carried. For this I’m thankful.

Content With Their Journey

I find people’s reactions interesting when we tell them we are done having children. With both of us coming from larger families to them it would make sense for us to have more. 

But when I tell them I have high risk pregnancies the subject is immediately dropped.  Although the subject of adopting does come up with me being adopted, and us looking into adopting in the past even after having our first. But after having our second we felt complete. Even then others are left puzzled. 

I will never understand why society is  telling parents they can’t be content with the size they want their family to be. I don’t mind if people are genuinely curious about our journey, but to tell us is just silly nonsense to me. 

I  hear less comments about having two or three children as if that’s the acceptable amount to have but when parents chose to have one or a huge family that’s when parents are flooded with unnecessary comments. 

Huge families typically hear: 

“Got the whole crew?”

“Boy your hands are full!”

“How do you feed them all?”

“I would not be able to handle that many.”

The new one I’m becoming familiar with is the parents who are content with one child.

They often hear: 

“Just wait till he/she is older you’ll want more.”

“your kid needs a friend”

“That’s it?” 

“Yeah it will be easier to get sitters with just one.” 

Parenting is HARD. 

One child is not just one child. 

Forever investing and living a selfish life to a being that doesn’t owe us anything is hard! 

Everyone has their reasons for how many children THEY can handle and that is the journey we should be supporting. 

Intentional Journey

As my standards get higher my circle gets smaller.

If you become friends with me as mother I know you are in it for the long haul. More grace is needed as I learn through my imperfections. You are joining me on the journey with my children as they learn, grow and work through the challenges of this world too.

I began filtering out the people who were takers in our relationship when I was pregnant with our first. I became more aware of how low my standards were and quickly realized I don’t want my child thinking these kind of relationships are normal and healthy. I want my children to value themselves and I had to set that example. As a believer I thought I had to be friends with everyone. When in reality boundaries are good and healthy for my family and myself.

When we begin to value ourselves we begin to value who our friends are.

My friends encourage, push, allow me to be vulnerable, and take me as I am through the battles of my grief, and challenges of motherhood. They are my iron sharpen iron and for that I am thankful.

Proverbs 27:17 ”As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

A Completely Different Women

It almost stings when I look in the mirror at how much I’ve physically changed since having children. 

I’m looking a a complete different women. Some days I grieve it; some days I nod with pride of the privilege to carry life, twice. The women with more squish to her, permanent dark rings under her eyes, way less hair, hair that has darkened and beautiful stretch marks engraved in her legs has a more clear mindset. She walks in a more confident light. Less physically attractive to the world but her character is softer and more beautiful each day as she steps forward into motherhood embracing what truly matters.