I grasp each day as our time comes to an end of our pregnancy. After all this could be my last. A letter to our baby boy.
My baby boy,
These are the last days I’ll ever be able to keep you this close to my heart. The last feeling of your little kicks. The last time you’ll hear my heart beat from the inside. The last days we will see your picture on a screen. The last days we get to hear your heart beat. The last days seeing you push and roll as you get stronger. These days will be missed and cherished forever.
But this is only the beginning….
When you come out to our world we will have new kind of closeness. For the first time we will look into each others eyes, and you will see another familiar voice who loves you so much, Daddy’s. As we prepared the nursery and our hearts we have prayed for you. Our greatest desire is for you to know how much God loves you and for you to know him too. There is no greater love then the fathers love.
Right before we have baby Peter was ordered to leave on a work trip. We saw this trip as a trial. There is so much to do still before baby gets here: house projects, ministry projects, and preparing for baby and yet God is our rock in the chaos.
James 1: 2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials for many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Everyone has their stuff and the old man haunting them. We were reminded of Romans 8 and Romans 12. Being separated made me realize how much I had been struggling with my identity in Christ.
Through out the day the Holy Spirit would speak to my heart.
Romans 8: 1-2 “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”
Romans 8: 26 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”
Romans 12: 2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
As my heart would battle throughout the day I would be reminded who has everything under control and pray for peace. Sometimes our hearts have to break for us to be rebuilt. Each day after praying together Peter and I would talk about the victories we had in Christ. Each day my heart would struggle and I knew where to turn.
One day my heart was really struggling. My mind was filled with lies and anger but my heart was reminded of the verse that says ‘all you need is the faith the size of a mustard seed’ as my heart believed I txted Peter the verse. The phone rings right after. He calls to tell me he’s coming home!
Only God fully understands the aches of our hearts, how I longed to be with Peter and how to meet me where I was at. Peter is home now and we are so thankful how God has grown our marriage through the unexpected adventure we went through.
For some reason leaving second trimester has been super bitter sweet for me. Although entering the third means we are closer to meeting our little guy sooner there is something special that only second trimester held for me. My pregnancy became a reality for me and I was able to enjoy preparing for him.
The first 22 weeks my heart and mind was full of survival and confusion. Struggling with Hyperemesis Gravaderum made me forget that it wasn’t a sickness I had. It was apart of the journey that Peter and I were enduring together, pregnancy. Weeks would pass by and I wouldn’t remember what day it was. I would look at the sonogram and to remind myself this is why I was sick and why I had to keep trying to keep any liquid or food down. We had to fight for our baby’s health.
My pregnancy became a reality on week 20 when I knew for sure that he had kicked. The moment wasn’t how I thought it would be, but it was unforgettable. On week 21 we found out we were having a son. By week 23 I was officially done puking and nausea had left. I was finally able to drink water again! My energy came back and I was able to do light chores around the house. When I started making decor for his nursery I thought this is what second trimester feels like. This is a small glimpse of the glow everyone is talking about. The feeling of the second trimester was short for me but I am thankful for it.
And just like that she is off to the Marines. My heart is in a twist of emotions. I am happy that she is chasing her dreams, but it was just yesterday our parents brought home my little sister. It was just yesterday……
We were doing sleep overs at grandmas,
She would make me blizzards and we’d watch tv,
She was on the basket ball team,
She was in my wedding,
She graduated college,
and now she is gone.
Growing up our mom always said “You’re a missionary everywhere you go. Everyone’s field looks different.” I guess Jenny’s is the Marines.
Marines has always been a dream of hers. Because of her dream my child doesn’t have to hear the sound of guns or bombs blowing up, due to an attack. My child doesn’t have to see people running for their lives daily from pillagers, or breath in the ash of the park we once strolled. Because of her dream we are free.
Friends and family I ask for prayers of encouragement as Jenny begins her journey.
Her faith grows more each day as she seeks the Lord.
That she will make good Christian friends.
That those around her see Christ shining through her.
I think about it often but on Mother’s day I think about it the most.
I think of the strongest moms out there.
The moms who have dealt with loss. Whether that’s through death of a miscarriage or after birth, failed adoption, or infertility. As I feel possible kicking in my belly from baby this day my heart is heavy. You are in my constant prayers.
Not only for your loss but also for the journey you are on. People forget that today is just another day for you. They don’t know what to say so they pass in silence. When all you really want is to be heard.
I hear you strong mamas loud and clear. I am interested in your journey. Your journey does not need to be a journey of painful silence and it shouldn’t be. Ignoring or putting you in silence does not take away the hurt. It only steepens it. Your journey should be echoed and prayed for. Because God hears the broken hearted and so should the rest of us.
Strongest mamas you are loved, you are prayed for, and you are heard.
A heart baby is a baby an adoptive mom prays for while she waits, wanders and loves baby even before they meet. Just as a biological baby grows in their tummy, her love for baby grows.
When we choose to be parents of any sort biological or adoptive we are putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. Our hearts are on the line for as long as we step into the realm of parenthood. I have dragged my feet for fear of my heart being shattered. I know grief. But I also know love.
Beginning our adoption journey my mind has been filled with questions. What will she be like?
For us adoption is plan A. It is not us choosing it as a second resort. Regardless of having biological kids or adopting they are both a blessing. These are children and lives we are talking about, neither hold higher value because they are coming to us differently.
Even if we have biological children, adoption is still a hope for us.
Not many understand why adoption is plan A for us. But the world doesn’t have to understand. In the hurt of this world it is hard to recognize God’s love for us and why adoption is beautiful thing.
Even before Peter and I were dating he knew that I had a desire to adopt someday. So we started our marriage off with ourdream to adopt.
We did not start doing foster care to join in with the government system and support the way they house hop children. We started with intentions with a hope to adopt and get out. After doing respite for six children now we know we do not want to stay in the system very long. But we will stay as long as it takes until we get our girls.
Thank you all who are praying and supporting us on our journey.
It does not surprise me when people ask what is the story behind each baby we get in our home. But it still irritates me when they ask. Knowing their stories isn’t going to benefit them in any way and it is not ours to share to begin with.
Conversations usually start like this:
Them: “Do you know anything about the child’s background?”
Us: “Yes we do and we keep it private. Knowing it helps us meet the child’s specific needs.”
Them: “Did the mom do drugs?”
Us: “We keep all our babies story private.”
Them: “What’s the story on mom and dad?”
Us: “We are not aloud to share that.”
The questions usually stop coming after that.
Every baby we get in our home has their own story and it is theirs to share not ours.
As an adoptee I can tell you not every adoptee is comfortable with sharing their story. It’s a matter that reaches people to the core. The only one who knows my story is my husband. Over time I have shared bits on this blog and with others only if I see it as an opportunity to share Christ. But it took me about twenty years to get to that place. I would be horrified if people talked about my story as if it was a gossip session.
Because it’s not!
The matter is so private and close to the heart that even after we adopt (the hope) we will keep the story between us and our children. We do not mind curiosity from others. We see it as an opportunity to share our journey and teach people about foster care and our mission, but not their personal story.