I’m excited about our little tree! 🎄

This tree brings me so much joy as I’m teaching our children no matter what season we are in we can make the most of it. Thanksgiving and Christmas will look different this year but it can still be special. Moving was life changing in the best way for all of us. We have already been getting a lot of outside time and started making friends. We are still in our first week here adjusting and settling in.

Renting has been uncomfortable for me but necessary for our season. I’m learning I need to have a fan always going when I cook. 

That I just need to deal with the constant broken things of this new home and wait on the landlord to fix it. Thankfully they are fast to fixing the problem. That this space is only ours to borrow. Sometimes what is needed is uncomfortable and this is one of those times. I want to look back on this season thankful for the memories we made and how we chose to spend our time here. This means learning to be content where we’re at and look at the blessings through it all.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Today was powerful. My feet hit the sand that they once touched 13 years ago. 

I exhale and take in the moment of the blessings before my eyes. 

My family. 

The ripple effects of my life came in full circle today. My children walked on the sand that I once walked and prayed on. The sand where me and my roommate Alex from Ecola Bible school met. We now send voice clips from afar maintaining a friendship that is held by faith and consistency from our efforts. This trip reminded how important each step we take effects our lives and why it’s so important to ask ourselves will this will bring glory to God?
Sandy feet. The sound of the ocean and my children playing. The warm sun. The smell of the beach. Today’s visit was a gift.

Cannon Beach Rain

Philippians 1:3-6 “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Now saying goodbye after eleven years this verse comes to my mind when I think of my Washington church. Westsound  took a broken chaotic Mihaela time and time again extended undeserved grace, encouraged me to grow spiritually, embraced my children, and I know if I ever need someone from this Church someone will be there. Westsound is interwoven in my life through strong biblical teaching, through my now husband, and the beginning of our therapy journey. They taught me what a biblical Church  looks like as I feared raising my children in the Church, because I long to give them both faith and community. I know because of how biblically-based, how well my children are treated, and how strong this churches faith is, the standard is set high for us as we look for a new Church. Members of Westsound you are forever our Washington Church. 

Boxes are packed.
Rooms are looking bare.

My house is an awkward maze.

My heart is full.

I’ve craved this move for years. Today it’s now  a reality. I’m so thankful we were here for God’s timing and chose to work on our foundation of our home before moving. As we worked through parenthood, trusting one another, and learning what it really means to have a Christian home, I was humbled. If we didn’t work on our foundation in Christ it would not have mattered where we lived, because then our foundation would  have been on sinking sand. Had we rushed our move we would’ve missed healing.

Matthew 7:24-27

Sometimes I forget my husband has trauma, and is still healing from his childhood wounds, because of how well regulated he is in our day-to-day life. When I see him struggling or at a fork at the end of the road I can lack compassion and wonder why he has certain struggles. I’m not talking about how there’s room for growth for everyone. I’m talking about how he faces extra obstacles because of how deep his wounds are and how it causes him to struggle. We can collide if I don’t slow down and make room for him to process and grieve.

We at times have had what I call this ping-pong effect where we are in a state of fear or discomfort in our backgrounds spring to the surface and we go back-and-forth with the old tools we had before therapy if we don’t slow down. We then create a division and break fellowship with one another, because I forget.

When I slow down, stay in my lane, and work with my personal growth I’m able to see our stories are different, and we are on our own journey. I need to create a safe space for his heart too. When we married we created space to be vulnerable . I have dismissed and forgotten that space of vulnerability is also trust and comfort. As we now hit our eighth year of marriage I pray I can recreate space of safety for him. When he struggles and falls that I can get down with him and pray, and let God do the work in him.

Be careful who you tell are the words of wisdom I hold close when I have news to share. I’m learning my process is mine not everyone else’s. My healing journey is fragile. Therefore, so is my heart and mind. My heart shouldn’t have to be defensive when I share pieces of it. I shouldn’t have to plead or explain my wounds. My pace is where it needs to be. Over time I’m learning the people who have been here for the past four years behind the scenes of my counseling journey truly want me to expose the darkness that rests in my bones and walk in abundant life in Christ.

This morning I was able to start my Bible study before we started our day. I’ve been looking for open windows in my day to take the time to do it. I usually do them in the evenings after the kids go to bed. The 2 hour window that most of us parents of young children have to be an adult I choose to fill it with self care. Sometimes I believe society tells us to organize prayer, and Bible reading in a way that loses the flow of life. It tells us to be rigid when life is chaotic and comes with obstacles that can get in the way of day to day routine. Prayer blends in with all of that. Prayer blends in with life. No matter the obstacle in the day, God is right there.

Prayer blends in with life if we allow it.

Laura taught me something that has helped me have a deeper understanding as a peer in this world.  Her boldness and braveness about her mental health mended some wounds of mine. 

Laura wasn’t my only family member who struggled day to day. My brother has schizophrenia. Growing up he was too young to diagnose. But he did have some unique behaviors. I have a core memory of telling him it’s time for dinner for distraction so I could let the frogs and lizards free that we had caught in fear of him killing them. Another one of me waking of to a bloody nose from being punched by him. This happened twice. It was in the teenage years where his behavior looked more rebellious on the outside and the rest of us standing helpless on the outside.

Everyone was aching. But he ached even more. Steamy tears drip down as I recall him being rushed to the ER the first attempt of suicide of his on Halloween night. His arms filleted open as his cry for help. 

His chaotic episodes and behavior was his internal cry for help. I was angry and even bitter. The worry on our parents faces froze like stone became daily as they yearned for their son. The ache became agony for all of us. 

I’m a firm believer of medication and if it weren’t for it I never would have met Laura and my brother wouldn’t be alive. 

So when I hear comments like: 

“There always seems to be something with your brother. “

“Your just going to enable him.”

“When is he going to grow up.”

Your right. 

There is always something going on with my brother. That something is something he never chose. That something is forever crippling and haunting his life if unmedicated. 

Laura helped me see that. The people who are struggling hate their thorn in their side as much as we do. They are trying to manage it. They need to push a little harder then most just to function in the world. 

As an outsider I support my brother the best I can by being his listening ear. 

There’s a balance that needs to take place in taking care of my mental health while encouraging someone who is struggling with a weight that is unbearable at times. I let him know what times we can chat that way I can give him the best encouragement I can. As a mom and wife I’m split. If I’m going through a rough season that’s when I take a step back and take care of myself before reconnecting with him. I love my brother for who he is and proud of all the work he is doing to overcome this daily mountain. 

Instead of craving the moments of silence with a survival mindset I’m hoping to pour my open time into nights where I tune my heart and nourish my soul in the word. This is how I want to end my days moving forward not only into 2023 but in my life. 

These past few years I’ve craved silence more then ever since becoming a mom. I knew motherhood would be loud. But I didn’t know the pain that would come with it for me. Sometimes it’s physically or sometimes emotional. Read more on this topic here.

I’d reach for my phone for a 5 minute mental breather sending a txt, or scroll on social media. 

I’d fuel my weariness in sitting in silence but was left hungry.  I began my counseling journey and was given tools to help me break down my 28 years of thinking. All I knew had to become gravel and my minds foundation has to be slowly built up. The tools are helpful but they are not a strong enough foundation.  I’m not ending my nights reliant on the temporary helpful tools anymore. I’m ending in abundance, growth, peace, calmness, and rest in prayer and the word.