He Understands My Heart

    I cry.

Peter holds me.

I say a silent prayer crying out to God. 

    There are times not even Peter can comfort me. This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.

  The first few months of our marriage was hard not because of the cliche things people told me: house being a mess, getting sick, constant fighting, or weight gain. Actually none of that happened. What happened was the unexpected. Old insecurities rose inside of me from when I was child. Even I couldn’t see my mood swings coming. Then I would fear the next time they would occur.

Why does my beloved have to suffer with me? I would feel a burden for him. I started believing lies the devil wants me to believe.

What if Peter never comes back?

Anxiety was my fight for weeks. When he’d leave for work in the morning I’d hold back tears. The fear kept growing. I would have one good day…

Then bam.

Overtaken.

Motivation lost. 

My heart would race, tears stream, head spin. 

Why God does my beloved have to suffer with me? 

The smell of death was all around me for three years.  I carry a burden I shouldn’t hold. But I do.

    Why did I live and they didn’t? For years I have ignored the question, because when it consumes me guilt becomes my thoughts.  Year after year my birthday gets harder because the devil fuels my mind with the lie “you shouldn’t of made it this far.”

    “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.” the lyrics of Come as you are sung by: Crowder are sung in church. The insides of me cry out to God. He is the only one who understands my heart completely. Tears stream down my face. Not because I am sad. But Knowing Christ Himself knows my every thought, hears my hearts inner cries, wants all of me, and is my joy.

Phillipians 4:4-7h

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

More on my childhood journeyhttps://hylaandpeterechols.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/

https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2014/10/19/the-hardest-story-to-tell-mine/

 

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40 thoughts on “He Understands My Heart

  1. How good it is that He truly does understand our deepest sufferings!! The troubles of this world can be completely overwhelming at times, but I cling to the fact that we look forward to a future with no more tears. Someday.

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  2. God uses the traumatic parts of our lives in order for us to share His glory with others. I often think of the negative things that have happened… I think Satan reminds me of them from time to time. But, I turn it around and I think about how God has used those times to mold and shape me into the person I am today. Then, I thank God that he rescued me from the pit and made something beautiful out of my life.

    May you be blessed Hyla!
    Amanda
    http://www.heartjava.com

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    1. When I get stuck I look in my prayer journal and see how faithful God has been I also like to see prayers being answered and how he is working in my heart.

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  3. All of your posts are so beautiful and heart-wrenching. I adore the true emotion you pour into them. That is brave, and I am still trying to be able to write like that.
    In a much milder form than what you have gone through, I recently had a month or so of sudden anxiety/mood swings that would well up in me while talking to my sweetheart on the phone. And I had no idea where they were coming from, why I was unable to control them, and why I was allowing myself to hurt the one I was supposed to feel the safest with. (It was a kind of PTSD thing.) Satan was attacking my security and trust. Out of the blue. Praise God, the issue has been resolved, surrendered into His Hands. But it’s just proof that we must never take our armor off or let down out guard… be self-controlled and alert. And keep on Loving, fiercely.

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  4. I went back and read more of your story, and oh, how you are such a testimony to God’s healing hand! I don’t know all you experienced, but from what I gather, you are truly a light shining from the darkness. Thank you for your faithful witness- Christ’s message lives through you!

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  5. To be able to cry in your spouse’s arms – that’s a gift. Imagine how welcoming Christ’s arms are – and how He – as our Bridegroom – longs for us. Your words, “This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.” show this so beautifully. Thank you for pouring out your heart on the digital page as an encouragement for us.

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  6. My wife and I have been married 13 years and I can resonate with your post from both sides, yours and Peter’s. Comforting one another in marriage is great, but our ultimate peace must come from the Lord.

    But, as you highlighted, insecurities from our pasts will always creep back in and when they do they create great amounts of pain. So we must call out where we are at, say how we want to react, claim God’s truth for us instead, and say how we WILL react in light of that truth.

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  7. I read a bit about your childhood journey. It is so tough to live in this world with all the baggage we carry with us. Moments like these make you wish there was a pill you could take to make life’s pains go away. Even as a believer in Christ, it is perfectly understandable to keep getting these fears and anxiety. It is what we do when these thoughts come in, through repeatedly, that matters.

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  8. Wonderful song and perfect verse! I hate when my human frailties get in the way of my marriage or parenting or relationships. I get tired and stressed and my words and actions don’t reflect the sold out heart for Christ I want to. Thank you for reminding me to take it to Christ’s feet.

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  9. It wasn’t till I experienced the comfort of God till I knew what it was like to be truly comforted. This is a great example a of expression of His sovereignty, thank you for sharing.

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