I cry.
Peter holds me.
I say a silent prayer crying out to God.
There are times not even Peter can comfort me. This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.
The first few months of our marriage was hard not because of the cliche things people told me: house being a mess, getting sick, constant fighting, or weight gain. Actually none of that happened. What happened was the unexpected. Old insecurities rose inside of me from when I was child. Even I couldn’t see my mood swings coming. Then I would fear the next time they would occur.
Why does my beloved have to suffer with me? I would feel a burden for him. I started believing lies the devil wants me to believe.
What if Peter never comes back?
Anxiety was my fight for weeks. When he’d leave for work in the morning I’d hold back tears. The fear kept growing. I would have one good day…
Then bam.
Overtaken.
Motivation lost.
My heart would race, tears stream, head spin.
Why God does my beloved have to suffer with me?
The smell of death was all around me for three years. I carry a burden I shouldn’t hold. But I do.
Why did I live and they didn’t? For years I have ignored the question, because when it consumes me guilt becomes my thoughts. Year after year my birthday gets harder because the devil fuels my mind with the lie “you shouldn’t of made it this far.”
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.” the lyrics of Come as you are sung by: Crowder are sung in church. The insides of me cry out to God. He is the only one who understands my heart completely. Tears stream down my face. Not because I am sad. But Knowing Christ Himself knows my every thought, hears my hearts inner cries, wants all of me, and is my joy.
Phillipians 4:4-7h
“ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
More on my childhood journey: https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/
https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2014/10/19/the-hardest-story-to-tell-mine/
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Beautiful. Thank you for sharing and being transparent for those who can’t yet.
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It’s hard to open up. Especially to the world. I hope you were encouraged.
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Mihaela, thank you for sharing pieces of your story! Your voice is important, encouraging and eye-opening.
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Mihaela, thank you for sharing pieces of your story. Your voice is important, encouraging and eye-opening!
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Christina I am so glad you were encouraged!
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How good it is that He truly does understand our deepest sufferings!! The troubles of this world can be completely overwhelming at times, but I cling to the fact that we look forward to a future with no more tears. Someday.
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Amen we have so much to look forward to someday seeing our savior!
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God uses the traumatic parts of our lives in order for us to share His glory with others. I often think of the negative things that have happened… I think Satan reminds me of them from time to time. But, I turn it around and I think about how God has used those times to mold and shape me into the person I am today. Then, I thank God that he rescued me from the pit and made something beautiful out of my life.
May you be blessed Hyla!
Amanda
http://www.heartjava.com
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When I get stuck I look in my prayer journal and see how faithful God has been I also like to see prayers being answered and how he is working in my heart.
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All of your posts are so beautiful and heart-wrenching. I adore the true emotion you pour into them. That is brave, and I am still trying to be able to write like that.
In a much milder form than what you have gone through, I recently had a month or so of sudden anxiety/mood swings that would well up in me while talking to my sweetheart on the phone. And I had no idea where they were coming from, why I was unable to control them, and why I was allowing myself to hurt the one I was supposed to feel the safest with. (It was a kind of PTSD thing.) Satan was attacking my security and trust. Out of the blue. Praise God, the issue has been resolved, surrendered into His Hands. But it’s just proof that we must never take our armor off or let down out guard… be self-controlled and alert. And keep on Loving, fiercely.
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thank you. I’m glad you are encouraged. there are some writings I would write and not post until I was ready.
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Absolutely. I start writing things all of the time, but have to wait until I’m lead to post.
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The Lord as the bridegroom has always been reassuring to me. It is a role model for how we are to be loved in a perfect relationship–something that we can use here on earth.
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We sure could!
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I love that despite the heaviness of your story, you are still turning to God and seeking solace in his arms. Only God can fill that place that feels like no one understands your past.
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Amen! Only our creator knows our deepest thoughts and cries.
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Heartbreaking, yet beautiful words. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story – I know that it is difficult, but God is using your story, and He is using you. Many blessings.
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Thank you!
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[…] https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2016/01/16/he-understands-my-heart/ […]
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I went back and read more of your story, and oh, how you are such a testimony to God’s healing hand! I don’t know all you experienced, but from what I gather, you are truly a light shining from the darkness. Thank you for your faithful witness- Christ’s message lives through you!
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thank you for your encouragement! I try to direct all my posts toward him.
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Marriage is hard…but worth work at. We become one. Our burdens are theirs…because we are one.
Lovely post. 🙂
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Thank you. It can be hard but so worth the adventure.
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To be able to cry in your spouse’s arms – that’s a gift. Imagine how welcoming Christ’s arms are – and how He – as our Bridegroom – longs for us. Your words, “This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.” show this so beautifully. Thank you for pouring out your heart on the digital page as an encouragement for us.
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Thank you. It truly is a blessing from God to have someone to love and be loved by.
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Thanks for your vulnerability. So glad Jesus is so near during these hard times.
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Me too! We’d be so lost with out him.
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My wife and I have been married 13 years and I can resonate with your post from both sides, yours and Peter’s. Comforting one another in marriage is great, but our ultimate peace must come from the Lord.
But, as you highlighted, insecurities from our pasts will always creep back in and when they do they create great amounts of pain. So we must call out where we are at, say how we want to react, claim God’s truth for us instead, and say how we WILL react in light of that truth.
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I read a bit about your childhood journey. It is so tough to live in this world with all the baggage we carry with us. Moments like these make you wish there was a pill you could take to make life’s pains go away. Even as a believer in Christ, it is perfectly understandable to keep getting these fears and anxiety. It is what we do when these thoughts come in, through repeatedly, that matters.
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It is well with you friend.
God Bless
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I love the honesty in your writing. Wishing you a blessed and peace-filled week.
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Thank you.
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[…] He Understands My Heart […]
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Wonderful song and perfect verse! I hate when my human frailties get in the way of my marriage or parenting or relationships. I get tired and stressed and my words and actions don’t reflect the sold out heart for Christ I want to. Thank you for reminding me to take it to Christ’s feet.
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Thank you for sharing your journey through faith. And for your Strength in being willing to share the tough moments.
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Beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing this! Such a wonderful reminder.
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Wow, I’m so sorry to hear of your pain. 😦 i’ve journied through dark places too, and I’m so thankful for the care and companionship of our savior!
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It wasn’t till I experienced the comfort of God till I knew what it was like to be truly comforted. This is a great example a of expression of His sovereignty, thank you for sharing.
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[…] in a few other writings before our first year was not a honeymoon it was a spiritual battle of thorns. Through and through we know that God is bigger and he has only made us stronger in the midst of it […]
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It is wonderful that you can both use your faith to make your marriage work and although I am not religious I do think it is a good way of keeping grounded x Good luck x
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Hi, Hyla! Are you from Romania? I read your story and I actually grew up with two girls from an orphanage in Romania during that time. They both used to self-sooth. A local Pastor adopted them, two sisters, they were my younger brother’s age. We became very familiar with their story and many of the funds we raised in church when I was young went to helping out the kids there. Such a small world. This is little rural, Ontario, Canada I’m talking about here. Anyway, God bless you for telling your story. I know how tough PTSD is!
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yes, I am from Romania.
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Beautiful post. I am glad you are so open about your feelings because I know it can help a lot of others going through the same thing.
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All your post are so beautiful and so heart touching. It makes me go really sentimental.
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It’s amazing how He can help us through things that our spouse’s can’t even begin to deal with at times. I couldn’t imaging getting through some of the stuff I’ve been through without His love and grace!
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I’m so sorry you had to suffer the way you did as a little one, but also so happy for you, that you’ve grown up and been blessed to have someone in your life who loves you. Even when the doubts are plaguing you and you believe he only loves you for now, hold onto the the fact that he loves you, regardless of how long it lasts. And if he is your God-sent partner, meant to live out this life with you, then your moods and insecurities will be something he takes in stride, loving even those parts of you that might be less easy than others.
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Sounds like you guys have a strong marriage. Having a good foundation is very important.
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Well said and very emotional. Marriage is much more than just a clean house, but you have to something that grounds you too.
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such a touchable and cute post, the way that you can translate you sentiments in words make you article very rich , love it ❤
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thank you.
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