As She let God in, she started to see life from a new perspective.
She became alive again.
The more she seeks God, the more He unveils her beauty.
She is restored.
She is fearless.
She is captivating, because she is His.
Peter holds me.
I say a silent prayer crying out to God.
There are times not even Peter can comfort me. This is the sweet fellowship I get with Christ. Yes, it hurts. But He is bigger. He understands. He is our true comforter.
The first few months of our marriage was hard not because of the cliche things people told me: house being a mess, getting sick, constant fighting, or weight gain. Actually none of that happened. What happened was the unexpected. Old insecurities rose inside of me from when I was child. Even I couldn’t see my mood swings coming. Then I would fear the next time they would occur.
Why does my beloved have to suffer with me? I would feel a burden for him. I started believing lies the devil wants me to believe.
What if Peter never comes back?
Anxiety was my fight for weeks. When he’d leave for work in the morning I’d hold back tears. The fear kept growing. I would have one good day…
My heart would race, tears stream, head spin.
Why God does my beloved have to suffer with me?
The smell of death was all around me for three years. I carry a burden I shouldn’t hold. But I do.
Why did I live and they didn’t? For years I have ignored the question, because when it consumes me guilt becomes my thoughts. Year after year my birthday gets harder because the devil fuels my mind with the lie “you shouldn’t of made it this far.”
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal.” the lyrics of Come as you are sung by: Crowder are sung in church. The insides of me cry out to God. He is the only one who understands my heart completely. Tears stream down my face. Not because I am sad. But Knowing Christ Himself knows my every thought, hears my hearts inner cries, wants all of me, and is my joy.
“ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
More on my childhood journey: https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2015/02/20/ptsd-black-sheep/
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I opened an envelope written in Romanian.
Silvia reads the letter. “It’s from your birth family. Wait this guy claims to be your dad.”
I stand silent.
She asks if I want to see him on the CD.
It wasn’t the I’m craving the empty void inside me kind of ‘yes’ some of us adopted children have when we yearn for our birth families even if we don’t know them. It was a sure why not? Kind of ‘yes’.
You see I once was bonded to my birth mom for nine months in her whom, but that was it. For so long I bound myself in curiosity letting thoughts stir of who the mystery birth-dad was. I even yearned to hear my birth mom’s voice, and feel her embrace. Some babies die and some hurt forever, because those nine months of sharing an identity with a birth-mom is so important. That is why so many babies are traumatized when they are taken away from birth mothers.
But when this guy marched back into my life twenty-one years later “Hi I’m your dad” in a letter all I could think was….
Are you though? You were never there when I needed you most. My dad was. In fact you might think you are my dad because I’m of your blood, but you’re not. I have a dad. But most importantly I have a heavenly father.
Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
I do not hate this man for not doing what he should have done, be a dad. I just want to know why now…twenty-one years later…
Read on :
I begin to tear up as I look through pictures and prayer journals packing for my next move. Memories dance.
Who am I, oh Lord, that you have brought me so far?
Whether I choose to follow Christ or not my life is a miracle. (The Hardest Story to Tell) I don’t know the hurt girl in these journal entries. She is a stranger.
Meeting me a few years back and meeting me now I only hope people see a change of heart. A woman who’s lifestyle is a walking testimony.
Who am I, oh Lord, that you have brought me so far?
I am overwhelmed by Gods grace and how he has restored my heart again and again–how he chooses us again and again. How he fought for our very souls. How we are worth something to him.
Who am I, oh Lord, that you are bringing me so far?
I feel like David in this prayer. I am so overwhelmed by the Lord’s love.
“When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?”
God loved us before we came to be. He chose us then, on the cross and is choosing us now. I am overwhelmed. Despite where I am from, what I have done, the thoughts I’ve thought, the horrible things I have wanted to do, he still wants me. As I allow God to work in my heart, he patiently breaks it, molds it, then breaks it again making me more like him. This is our life long journey he wants to take with us.
Who am I oh Lord that you are bringing me so far?
Although the constant battles of my flesh hide within my heart; I remember he broke my chains when I chose him. I don’t have to be the old girl of past. She is a stranger. She is dead. She is forgiven. She is redeemed. She is made new.
Who am I oh Lord that you have brought me so far?
Written July 3rd, 2015
It hits home for me every time.
John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
The context of this verse is Jesus promising us the Holy Spirit. Jesus is with us in spirit if we accept him as our savior.
I was once abandoned and rejected by the world but now am adored, fought for and accepted by Christ. I am overwhelmed by his love.
I (Christ) will not (doesn’t even want to) leave you (give up, move to another) as orphans (stray, motherless, fatherless) I (Christ) will (must, always will) come to you. Who? Yes, you- me- everyone.
Readers, I know this a a short writing but dont miss the meaning inside this verse.
He’s not going anywhere!
What Bible verse hits home for you?
“Are you sober?”
“Yeah that’s the problem! I’m sober and I’m acting like this.”
Blood boiling of the other person on the line as I listen.
“I know…I know what it’s like to be mad enough to want to kill someone”
Heart beating in your ears. White clenched fists. Words of regret soar. Possible blood and tears shed. All control lost.
How do we let ourselves get mad to the point where the world once made sense then nothing does? What is it in us that drives this rage? Mine was buried in my heart without even knowing it. Truth was I didn’t want to deal with it and did not know it was something I would have to deal with when I was older. I was just a little girl who didn’t know how, so I buried it in my heart hoping it would never come back.
The it I’m referring to is the darkness and hurt from my orphanage. The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine
At sixteen I called a counselor I knew from my home church at the time and scheduled an appointment. During these sessions I learned I was mad at my birth mom for giving me up, but even more mad at what happened in the orphanage. Even a child knows they should have a mommy and a daddy, that it is not right to hit, and that when they cry someone called mom or dad should come. I learned I had to grieve in my time, and forgive all of them. I thank God for being bigger than all of this. I thank God for forgiving me so I could forgive them. Readers hear what I’m saying? We can forgive because He forgave us. We can press on, because God has given us this hope by dying on the cross for us.
I once was enraged without even knowing it and wanted to hurt some one but didn’t know who. Here I am today still affected but not anchored by the hurt anymore. I stand forgiven and forgiving because of Christ.
Would you meet your birth mom?
I have a fantasy birth mom. A lot of us adoptees do. She likes us. She can do no wrong. But some of us know that if we were to show up at her door one day she would ask why we came. Our fantasy would die. When I was twenty one I had four thousand dollars saved up. I know I had enough for a plane ticket. I bought a car instead. I know if I went to Romania I would go expecting something, but it wouldn’t be what I fantasized. I know my fantasy would die. So no I don’t plan on meeting my birth mom.
On my Birthdad
What do you think parents should consider before adopting?
- It’s not a walk in the park
- You never know what your going to get
- It’s a life long journey
It’s not a walk in the park in fact, it’s a walk through thorns. There is a reason why so many adopted children like myself come broken with shattered pasts. There is a reason why adoption exists. The past usually is ugly and so the child views everything in the world the same way, ugly.
You never know what you are going to get. Some children may be adopted as infants and grow up to be your more challenging child verses the child you adopted at seven. In some cases parents may have an idea of how the child may be but in most cases it’s a risk.
Their ugly past will always be apart of them, but they do not have to carry it with them forever. Adoption is where life begins for some of them. You are now apart of their journey as soon as they are yours. You are their hero, even if they don’t see it in the beginning, they will in time. They might say things like “You aren’t my real mom or dad.” on this journey. They might try and hurt your other children if they are biological or themselves on this journey. They are scarred and bitter because they once saw the world as ugly, but you get the opportunity to show them the beauty of the world, and God. Just like a child you have given birth to adopting a child is another life long commitment because by adopting them you are making them yours.
At a young age I learned how to extend grace, because I was adopted. I was shot with rude comments, questions, and lectures on how to live my life by curious, innocent, and ignorant people.
I am starting this series for the ignorant and curious. No more ignorance! It is time to learn about adoption! I have started the Adoption series for those who honestly want to ask me questions on adoption with out stepping on toes. For those who are offended by my readers questions get off now. This is for them and I want to be open and honest with them as well.
So let me introduce myself. Hi name is Mihaela, I was adopted at the age of three. My story is found in The Hardest Story To Tell: Mine
I have five sisters and six brothers; we are all adopted. Some of my siblings are from the foster care system and some from out of the Nation. Each of us are snowflakes, sharing one thing but all so very different. Behind all our eyes there is a broken story to tell, but by the grace of God we have had a beautiful ending, adoption. Or so some think. What most forget is the journey each adopted child takes. It does not end at the adoption day. In fact adoption day is like some of our birthdays. That day itself is the day some of us started living for the first time.
Ok Readers ask me anything on adoption. This is for you.
I long to be a mother someday. Not just any mother, a mother who seeks, and fights for her children the way my parents did for me. I would love to adopt a child and love them as my own because they would be. But maybe that isn’t what God wants for me and who ever I may marry, and I have to be open to that. This is a harsh reality I have to face, that maybe I am not equipped to adopt whether that be financially or emotionally.
That does not mean I have to quit in my firm belief in finding children Godly homes to live in. There is still something.There is always something. Not everyone can do Foster care, be in the FBI , or an Astronaut . Readers I have not given up on my desire to adopt. I am not encouraging anyone to quit their desires either. In fact I’m encouraging you to press on. I can still pray for the orphans, for people who are adopting, and people who do foster care. I can donate money to adoption programs or friends who are adopting. There’s always a way to support our desires if we feel passionate enough about them.